My letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I've been sorta good this year. If there’s any room on the sleigh, here’s what I hope you can bring for me:

1. A new, solid gold checkbook. The old one is practically empty and is duct-taped together. And, while you’re at it, bring a giant shredder for all those equally useless retirement account statements. Then, deliver a set of angel wings to President-Elect Obama. He’ll need to arrange something miraculous. Alternate gifts: a "Will Work For Food" sign and a matching handbasket.

2. A new ignition switch for our pontoon boat on Cedar Lake. We thought we’d make it through the summer without one repair, but we didn’t and then one of our kids and his friend got stranded when it was too cold to get out and swim. (We thanked our neighbor, The Little Bohunk, for towing them to shore, but maybe you can bring something nice for him, too. He likes switches, too, and things with engines and machinery of all types.)

3. Big bottles of bubbly for my husband's loyal customers. They kept us afloat, or at least treading water, all year. A case ought to do it. Maybe next year we’ll have you bring two cases, but at this point it looks like we may be drinking them both ourselves. (Note to Santa’s Elves: Call us for new shelves in Santa’s Workshop, new windows on the North Pole house or those fancy shower doors that Mrs. Claus keeps whining about.)

4. Boxing gloves for the grandsons but skip the Ultimate Fighting videos. They need to work their way up, and they promise not to practice on their new preschool friends.

5. A perpetual calendar for the grandsons' parents, so they can schedule the next 14 years of babysitters, birthday parties, drivers, carpools, basketball games, spring sings, choir concerts, driver’s ed, swim meets, hockey games, track meets, entrance exams, dance lessons, art shows, college visits, graduations, awards assemblies, proms,tux rentals, limo rentals, all-night grad parties and beer busts. Don’t bother with a checkbook for this pair. The money will just fly out of their pockets on its own.

6. A Sherpa for No. 2 daughter and her boyfriend. Those gory medical books that she reads and the million-page law texts that he hauls around can give people hernias. If anything happens to the Sherpa, the boyfriend should have his J.D. in time for the lawsuit or the daughter can prescribe something for the pain. In a few years, they’ll need a new checkbook for all those grad school payments, so you might as well pack it onto the sleigh while we’re thinking about it.

7. A friendly visit by Martha Stewart or the HGTV guys to the new home of our son and his fiancee. Maybe they can advise what paint colors enhance Xbox 360 and what style of tap handle can dress up a kegerator. Then, perhaps, they can help them pick a nice color palate for the wedding. What goes with "soon"?

That should just about do it. Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!

Oh, and before I forget: Throw in some world peace, please. Merry Christmas and love to you all.

The Madwoman