I'm effed

Today the Star Tribune proclaims, "A new study involving nearly 1.3 million middle-age British women -- the largest ever to examine alcohol and cancer in women -- found that just one glass of chardonnay, a single beer or any other type of alcoholic drink per day significantly increases the risk of a variety of cancers."

But it wasn't the story that caught my eye. The online comments were hilarious. Here's a selection:

• "But masterbation is still good, right? C'mon, man. Don't change this on me now."
• "Oh for Pete's Sake!! We all have to die of something. I wish the research doctors would just shut up already with this crap. Drink red wine ... save your heart. Drink wine or any alcohol ... die of cancer. Gaah! Whatever."
• "News Alert: Scientists have discovered that everyone who has cancer has a heartbeat. They also have found that continuing this behavior increases the chances of getting cancer."

So here's the deal: I'm trying to lose a bunch of weight, so I'm pushing it at the gym every other day. I'm trying not to eat junk. I'm trying not to snack. It's Lent. I'm offering it up. Plus, it's supposed to snow again tomorrow, which means I get double credit, right? Or something. If I must stop drinking wine now, I'm just totally screwed.